Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
