I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
