So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
