oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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