Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
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Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
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I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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