I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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