Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
