you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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