took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
