Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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