I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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