when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
At least life still wants to fuck me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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