I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
