I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
