im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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