she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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