Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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