When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
