Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
