and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
