My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Still dying that you shit outside
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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