I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
