I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
