you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
