Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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