So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
