I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
