:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize