Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
