I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
