Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
