Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
