I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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