Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
