dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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