I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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