My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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