so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I have grass duct taped all over my body
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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