Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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