He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
