If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
