i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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