I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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