I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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