Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
