just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
