We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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