I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
3pm strippers are depressing
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
