No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
