Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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