Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
