Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
